HAHA, I tricked you again...  Now you can't trust me when I say this is the last post for a while.  Now you have to look at it everyday, just in case there's something new there.

Anyway, I've done some serious, in-depth analysis of who is actually looking at my site, and I think I've figured it out; In order to increase my readership, I have to talk about the following things:

1.  Punching people in the face.  Apparently, the idea of a solid face punch to some jack ass-face's face in order to solve problems is appealing on some level.  God knows I like the idea.  (I gave him a good solid facepunch the other day for being stupid, and he helped me get a house in order to rectify the situation{problem solved by facepunch once again})  You may think "punching someone in the face wouldn't solve any of your problems", but in that line of thought, you would be totally wrong.  Unless you substituted "wouldn't" with "will definitely" and "any" with "every single one"

2.  Directly, or indirectly, abusing people who read this.  This applies directly, or indirectly, to you, asshead.  In case you were wondering how much better than you I am, read the title again.  (If I know you, please disregard the preceding)

3.  Apparently, anything involving how much god hates you and everyone you know, or how much jesus and I both hate religious fanatics and uh....yeah, he just told me that he hates you a lot more than I do.  ( contrary to common belief, I guess "loving everyone" is not really his thing)

4.  Ninjas?!?!?  I kind of did this thing as a joke, but it seems really popular.  Maybe I'll have some sort of regular serial on it.  Maybe I'll write some crazy freaking ninja stories, where, like the ninja totally kills some people and stuff, and then blows himself up just to show you that he can still kill you even after his own physical death, you know, like a zombie ninja, only totally more awesome, and with less brain-eating and more you-killing than a conventional zombie, and he wouldn't turn you into a ninja-zombie, he would just kill you, and not really undead, because the ninja wouldn't really die after blowing himself to pieces, because he totally knows the ultimate secret ninja regeneration technique, so all blowing him up did was make more ninja copies of himself, that he'll go out and kill later, just to show them that he is the ultimate, even though he doesn't have to prove to anyone how awesome he is.  You would totally die just from seeing that.  How does that make you feel, asshead?  (I'm really serious, I don't understand why this is so popular, but I'll keep doing it because I'm a fucking sellout, and I like writing like a retard once in a while.  And by once in a while, I mean All the time)

Also, on a side note, I was talking to god the other day, and it turns out that he's just some computer program made by some dude, I was kind of pissed off when I found this one out, because god totally couldn't give me a straight answer to any of my questions, except that his programmer made him do it.  (This was when the whole facepunching incident happened.)  Sorry, he did in fact pretty clearly tell me what his stance was; "evolution...uh, yeah, I thought that one was kind of a no-brainer, I mean, why would you want to be single-celled organisms for the rest of eternity?"

How is it that ninjas and unicorns are always pigeonholed into the same category?  I have a feeling that it has something to do with the fact that both have an affinity for impaling mimes.
 Like, it reminds me of this one time, you know, when there was like a ninja...except..I did'nt know he was a ninja, until he saw this mime and totally chopped his head off. With his hand.
OK, here's the story:  This mime was all like..."hey, I'm a mime"  except he wasn't saying that, he was, you know, like acting it out... and then he was like, " oh no, I'm trapped inside this glass box and I have to climb up this invisible rope to get out, only it's not really attached to anything, so every time I pull on it, it just kind of falls down a little, so maybe if I pound on the wall it will break, but it's invisible...and I can't break it...man how am I gonna get out of this one?"  and then...this guy...that was a ninja, but I didn't know he was a ninja because he was just wearing a suit and a tie, teleported into the invisible box and hit the guy on his neck, and then the stupid mimes head fell right off and rolled around on the floor until it hit the wall of the invisible box.  Then he punched his way out of the box and started walking down the street like nothing.  I didn't stick around because I didn't want to get chopped in the head, but I heard that later on, the mimes body exploded from a delayed reaction of the "ninja hand chop of instantaneous decapitation followed by delayed reaction explosion" technique...I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but you know, that mime probably had it coming to him, what with being a mime and all...god I hate mimes...unless its those mimes that are like robots...I guess those guys are okay.

The local Toys 'r' Us is going out of business right now and they're selling everything they have in the store for 30-50% off, so I decided that with my tax return just coming in and all now would be a capital time to buy all those video games I've been wanting to buy.  The first thing I got was Half-Life 2, which I'm almost afraid to play on my XBOX because lately it has been getting all gay on me.  (I have a Fable game at just past beating the first main quest (you know, the one where you kill your sister) that will not load at all anymore, and it tells me that the disc is unreadable after about ten seconds of play...despite the fact that the disc is brand new) I'm not sure if that has anything to do with ninjas, but this next part definitely does.  Anyway, I seriously suck at this game...I haven't even figured out if there is a way to change the difficulty setting, that's how much I suck, and I also can't figure out how to look in the direction I'm going.  (I think the camera is attached to the right analog stick, but so far, whenever I move the stick, it either makes me look in  some random direction like up,down, or not the direction I want to look in, or it takes  me into a "you-can't-move-except-to-look-around first-person mode" which invariably ends up with me getting stabbed in the face while I'm looking at the ground)
Maybe my problem is being totally drunk.  But all those kung-fu movies say that being drunk makes you a better fighter...stupid chinese, what do they know?
At any rate, I told Lori that I would probably play the game for about 20 minutes before getting so disgustingly frustrated that I would want to throw it out the window and give up, but I was wrong...it took about an hour of getting my ass kicked by the first boss to do it for me.  (apparently nunchucks beats swords and shurikens and jumping off the wall like Vega on crack every time)  Maybe I'll try again tomorrow, or maybe I'll just try being Gordon Freeman for a while.  At least he can bust some shit up with a crow-bar.

On a side note, apparently, GI Joe has gotten a little cooler and made a ninja team for their "sigma-6" show.  Even if all the other members suck balls, at least there's Snake Eyes.

so, today I pretty much spent an hour doing cartwheels as training. I fell over like sixty times(apparently flipping end over end is exactly like spinning around with your head on a baseball bat and then trying to run around the bases, or drinking ten long islands in an hour and then running two miles to get home and then getting up in the morning and putting on an oversized sumo fat suit and trying to beat the ass out of someone, insofar as it makes you fall down a lot), but I avoided looking like a total jackass by doing it in a windowless racketball court.  I think the raquetball court may be my new training venue, as I can fall on my ass as many times as I don't want, without being made fun of. It's also prime territory for practicing wall-running and ninja flips  I figure it will help train the muscles in my arms and legs to support my weight and push off with force.  Tomorrow I think I'll try to do some back handsprings, or something else gymnastical.

Despite being only two pages long, this was the best book ever made...ever... here's an excerpt:

(Page 1)
So, like you were just sitting there in teh village one day, minding your own business. Then some guy comes up to you and says, "HOLY CRAP, DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS A NINJA IN TOWN?1!??!11/1?1!?1?//"
Your blurted response to this, "Really? Where is it?" seems silly to you teh instant it comes out of your mouth, since really, who could possibly know where a ninja is at any time except the ninja himself, and really, how is this guy alive if he saw teh ninja?
He says, "well, he was over in the diner a second ago, and then some guy dropped a spoon and it looked like teh=he ninja was totally gonna flip out, so I was like 'I'm outta here, I don't want none 'o that noise', and I left...and fast."
You think to yourself, "self, if this guy really saw a ninja, and teh ninja was about to totally flip out and kill people, really, how is he alive at all?", and then you think to yourself "'saw'=('was' spelled backwards) and realize OMG THIS GUY IS TEH NINAJ!!1!!1!!!1!one!. To your right, you see an open lantern, to your left is a bunch of swords.

If you choose to tip the lantern over and light the ninja on fire, Turn the page.

If you decide to go for the swords and try to fight the unimaginably overwhelming force that is this ninja, Continue to Page 2

If you wish to discover whether or not this person is actually a ninja, and try to unmask him, Turn to Page 2

If you decide to just lie down and die because nothing you do matters anyway, Continue On To The Next Page




(Page 2)

Before you have a chance to do anything, the guy pulls his face off to reveal that underneath it is the menacing mask of a ninja, then he spontaneously combusts, and grabs all the swords and stabs himself with them just to show you how much more awesome than you he is. Then he mind controls you and makes you curl up like a little girl and then kills you in the most awesome way possible. The last thing you think as life bleeds from your flaming, poisoned upper-cut decapitated brain is.."that was cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet, I didn't believe in ninjas before, and I didn't get a life in time, and that ninja totally came and chopped my head off. I suck so much..." and then you die

Teh End!!1!1 ;-p

Seriously, I was so pumped after reading that story that I totally wanted to kick my boss in the face, and then I thought how cool it would be if ninjas were on Jeopardy. That was an awesome idea. It was so totally sweet that my face exploded...twice and one of the pieces of my face met this guy , and he told me that ninjas were like the coolest mammal ever. I was like "naturally, of course any mammal that FIGHTS ALL THE TIME would have to be cool. And then he was like hey why don't we go back to my school, and say 'sup to my homeys. Then the guy caught on fire and teleported home to get his guitar before chopping some kittens' heads off with his foot. Since I don't have a guitar, or a head choppin'foot, and can't teleport, and at this point was only part of a part of a face, I just went home and watched this video instead, and this one,(which is not about ninjas) and then I read an article about how ninjas were going to be the downfall of America ...That was total bullshit. Ninjas run America, and if they really wanted to, they would have totally chopped off everyone's head like at least a million times.

I'm so pumped right now, I'm totally gonna go out and punch that guys car over. (not thatguy's though, his car has had enough troubles)