FACE YOUR DOOM...face

Activate Star Power to ROCK OUT!!!!

doomface — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 01:02:51 -0400

It's cheap.

It's fun.

It's only mildly painful.

Nevermind the fact that it is in fact somebody putting a foreign substance into your open wounds.

It's TATTOO TIME!!!

And not the guy from fantasy island...that's just obscene.

I found out that tattoos are really cheap here, and that they are just as safe to get here as anywhere in the US that legally sells pain. I was thinking about getting "ink" (as they say nowadays...or so I'm told) as soon as I got here.

Unfortunately, the first guy that I talked to about the topic was insane. I wanted something added to my crazy spider back thing, "something that will add to but maintain the spirit and flow of the current design". His first idea was to give me some yakuza crazy dragon and tiger vest tattoo. And his second idea, only slightly better, was to make my entire back solid black. You know, because I've always wanted to be mistaken for a Japanese mobster or oven victim. I then foolishly decided to let him draw on my back instead of eating lunch, and about an hour and a half later, I was met by the most horrible back raping design I'd ever seen. It was kind of like when you go in to the doctor and he tells you that you have some weird tumor, and then they cut it out and it turns out to be a remnant of the twin that you absorbed back in the womb and it's all teeth and nails and hair and maybe an eyeball. That's how I felt; I was releived that it didn't actually turn out to be really tragic,because it was only a drawing, but I was still really grossed out.

I decided to abandon the idea of expanding on the back until I had actually drawn something. (which will likely be sometime around the sixth week of Jocember) and not get anything done.

Last week, however, the Tattoo guys came up here to hang out with us, because, obviously, it's pretty fun up here. I, ever Johnny on the Spot, drew up a simple thing really quick and had them do that. I know, not exactly in the same category as Tic-tacs and gum as far as impulse buys go, but the immediate gratification portion of my brain is very pleased. And right now, that's all that matters.

Rather than describe it, I'll grace you all with a picture of my chemotherapy recovering ass.

13 minutes

doomface — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 10:42:21 -0400

Low Speed internet prevails again. Here's a picture of a god damned monkey. (this is not the monkey that tried to throw a mangasteen at me) (This one was tied up and very well behaved after I poked it with sticks)

Also, apparently, the philippine islands have never heard of "virus protection" either for their computers or genitals. I really don't know how many dudes (locals) I've seen come up to our camp wanting to see the "american doctor" because their peehole hurts. Unfortunately, though, I have become a victim of the former, as I have been carelessly sticking my thumb drive ... everywhere. Hopefully I will be able to download some AV software before my computer explodes.

That's the update.

Lies and Disinformation

doomface — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 17:27:13 -0400

Owing to the fact that the intertron connection here is on par with dial-up, I must defer the posting of pictures of monkeys and such until my triumphant return. Therefore, I would like to take this time to dispel some rumors you may have heard about the region I am now in (See recent posts)

The first thing I'd like to point out is: Durian, a fruit which grows in the area, is NOT good. All of the fruit that I have encountered here have been the same; They smell like bad body odor, or feet, or ass. I have attempted to stomach some of these things, against my better judgment and the complaints of my mouth and body, and contrary to what I have been told, they, without exception, smell terrible and taste only...marginal. For example, I've heard some people describe "Durian" as "like eating ice cream out of a dirty diaper". I would like to refute this now with the following 5 points:

1. Durian does not taste anything like ice cream. It tastes like a canteloupe dipped in feet.

2. Even if it did taste like ice cream, I don't know anyone that would be inclined to eat ANYTHING out of a dirty diaper, so I would say that, to it's credit, Durian is not as bad as a soiled diaper.

3. The aftertaste is something like licking a homeless Frenchman's unbathed armpit. FOREVER. (I literally wanted to throw up from the aftertaste alone for a good ten minutes, until I had gargled and swallowed three capfuls of listerine (swallowing the listerine was necessary to keep my esophagus from pushing the flavor back out into my mouth.))

4. I have never eaten anything that has made me want to bleach my intestines...This made me want to shoot a jet of bleach into my anus and clear out my intestines, pushing everything back out through my mouth so that the taste would not permeate farther into my system.

5. Did I mention that it smells like a corpse's rotting ballsack and TASTES LIKE LICKING A DEAD MAN'S ARMPIT? because I wouldn't want anyone to miss that point.

Oh...so that's what fingers are for.

doomface — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 19:50:48 -0400

Lori has been pestering my lazy ass to write a blog for about ...um... several months, and I have pretty much ignored her, as I usually do, but I've finally come around to the idea that it would be good to let other people know what's going on in my life for the next few months. Also considering that I possibly won't be able to use the internet for the next little stretch, it would probably be a good idea to give you forewarning that I'm dropping off the face of the earth this time. Oh and also, those valentine's cards that I promised are for next year. I thought you guys knew that.

If you guys have any questions, I'll be Yes, if you look at the picture, it looks like an old man urinating. If you look at a picture with Malaysia, it looks like an old man urinating into a dog's mouth.

I will be on one of the urine splatter islands, not doing anything cool. Unless you consider ridiculous amounts of Guitar Hero cool. At any rate, I will not be doing very much in the way of performing my job. Which everyone knows is "Pediatric Organ Consumption Specialist".

We should be back in time for the celebration of CrossMas in the winter, but I may be gone so long that the mailing of those Spiderman valentine cards may be slightly delayed. Or I might be back for summer vacation; with these things you never really know. (At least that's what I keep getting told)

Laugh as you may, but I have set a um...set of goals for my time in the ~~desert~~ jungle.

1. Spend at least one hour per day with a pencil and sketch book in hand. I might be able to get to a computer once in a while, so send me some ideas. Otherwise, it'll just be a wasted hour. And over the course of many months, those hours will add up.

2. Read (books) for an hour every day. You can make suggestions and or mail books and money to my wife so that she can buy books for me, otherwise I'll have to learn some foreign languange and start reading some books that I find on the ground.

3. Lose 20 Lbs. Should be easy since I'll be losing approximately 1 gallon in fluids every hour. I figure that if I get Malaria, I can greatly speed up the weight loss process.

4. Document my time in the area so that I will have something to write about when I get back. In excruciatingly minute detail.

I think that about does it. See you guys for Christmas...or Valentine's Day...or the 4th of July. Whenever.

To the Y-BOt and Lucky, lucky ~~July~~ Lindsay, Congratulations and good luck, though it will not be possible for me to attend, unless we come back ridiculously early.

Feel free to leave messages for me, so that I will feel important when I do get a chance to check them. It'll also be inspirational.

The most fun you can have shooting out of windows and being hit by overspeed paintballs

doomface — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 14:57:59 -0500

I just got back from Florida and "Gryphon Group"...I would link to their page, but it would seem that you need IE to do it. Also, they have a creepy flash animation face on it that I don't want to look at ever again. Also I'm lazy.

As soon as I can figure out how to use this stupid digital camera, I should be able to display some pictures and videos of me ramming cars and throwing 100 lb dummies out of drivers' seats.

Please send me your address...If you read this and value my life, please, send me your address...else you get no card

end

I guess you're kind of right, but I won't admit thatHe totally looks like me

doomface — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 01:21:43 -0400

Recently, someone (I suspect a monkey-like interloper) questioned where exactly our child got his genes from. The actual comment was:"From the photo on kamikaze pigeon's blarg your landmine doesn't look like either of its parents. Did you trade the old one in for a new model?" I'm not sure if this means, "he no longer looks like his parents", or "he has never looked like the parents he has now"

Although not as recent as the pic on KP's page, the above is pretty new/old, and the resemblance is pretty uncanny, despite the fact that it was a bit difficult for me to find a picture where we have comparable expressions, as I only have a few pictures of me as a child, and our little landmine smiles quite a bit more than I do. (That and he dresses a lot better and has mom's curly fries hair, and his balding pattern is on the opposite side)

In fact, I have very few childhood memories that involve me being happy. For example: One time, when I was little, I remember being bit on the toe by an ant and then my toe swelling up to the size of my fist and turning purple. The skin was all stretched out...like a big purple fist-shaped sausage.

And another time, I got to drink some coffee, and my mom told me that it would stunt my growth...after I drank it. She then continued to tell me that every other thing that I liked to eat or drink would have the same result, and that asian people are naturally short. I like to think that it was sheer force of will that allowed me to be as tall as I am, but I have an idea that it actually has more to do with all the BGH treated beef I ate as a child.

Lou Gretzky's disease. When Baseball and Hockey players collide...and get sick. Don't ask...I really don't know

doomface — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 21:57:46 -0400

I got to see Boston play the Mariners here my first week, which was pretty cool, since I really don't like watching baseball or crappy baseball. However, I do apparently like overpriced cheap beer and garlic fries. If you were following, you know that the Sox ripped Seattle apart in the first game; I think the score was actually 8-0 in the 5th inning, but at that point, the beers were beating me 5-0, so I could be mistaken. While I really don't like to go to sporting events, it is kind of fun to go with friends, especially when everyone is drunk and/or belligerent.

It started out just like any other day. You know, we practiced shooting people and eating babies for a while, and then one of the guys that I work with was like, "hey, the entire section is going to go watch the game, you wanna come?"
To which my response was, "where?"
"Uh, at the field...."
"Oh, so you're actually going to the game" I said like a retarded kid who has just realized that the person he was talking to was actually going to a baseball game.
"Yeah...we're going to the actual game at the actual field where they play baseball."
"Who's playing?" I inquisitively queried.
"Seattle and Boston I think. I'm not sure, but we're all gonna go have some beers and throw bottles at the players."
I immediately told him to "Count me in!", and off we went to the game.

It took me the entire first inning and a beer and hot-dog to find our seats, and much to my disappointment, we were much too high in the stands to throw bottles at anyone. Also, they check you at the door and make you throw away any bottles you have before going into the game. Unless it's got milk in it and you're giving it to a baby. Or it's a functional part of..."um equipment that collects...fluids...like urine, you know, like people that can't pee normally."
I told the dude that I very frequently had to urinate into bottles.
"Please throw the bottle away sir, or I can't let you into the game."
"Fine," I said. "It's not like I was going to pee in it and throw it at somebody or anything."

At any rate, a thrown plastic cup travels even less far than a full glass bottle, and that part of my night was ruined.

I saw a lot of people there that had shirts displaying their disgust for one team, or support for another, and one of the guys that I went with had a Yankees shirt on, which was funny, because all three of the people sitting directly in front of us were wearing shirts that said "God hates the Yankees" underneath their Boston jerseys. I immediately wished that I had gotten this shirt...and after the game, I did get it, so the next time I go to a game I can feel appropriate without feeling like a total sellout?!??!?

Anyway, the garlic fries and beer were good.

Ho-Lee-Crap...

doomface — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 21:19:36 -0400

That's right, bitches! I'm still alive. Somehow.

Here's the beginning of an epic ...several part series on what I have done since my last posting.

I don't even know where to start...

Where the crap did you get that? And...What's wrong with you?

doomface — Mon, 24 Jul 2006 00:05:37 -0400

More appropriately, "what's wrong with me?"

I started "work" this last week, and so far things are going pretty well. But I have to comment on something odd that I saw before I get into what I did this week.

Does anyone still play "Magic, the gathering"? I know we all used to, and despite the fact that I haven't played in about 7 years, I still have those cards, and have even gone out and bought (and immediately regretted) a few new packs here and there since. I recently went into our local Post Exchange (kind of like a mall, only for military people) and saw a kiosk selling magic cards. The first thing I thought was, oh god, do people still actually play that game? Immediately followed by I guess I'll go take a look-see. I was immediately ashamed of myself after looking at the collection on display, but there was something there that I never expected to see in a million years; It was an unopened box...a box I say, of Arabian Nights...Rather it was a box of unopened packs of Arabian Nights that he was selling for some obnoxious price...(I think it was around $200 a pack) I immediately thought
Where the crap did you get that?
Why haven't you yourself opened them?
Why do I care about these old-ass cards to a game I don't even play anymore?
I wonder what cards those packs might hold...
I wonder if Lori would care if I spent some of the bonus money on a pack of cards.
God I hate myself.
pretty much in rapid succession and in that order. After walking away in disgust, I felt a little better when I thought about selling all my cards to this guy. (I think it may have had something to do with the idea of pulling out and dusting the old cards off. Ehh.

Mass PAX-teria

doomface — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 01:31:01 -0400

OK, Everything's all set up if people still want to crash at my home for PAX. I just wanted to see who is actually coming, as opposed to who just wanted to come, but isn't going to anymore. So far, my impression is this:

That-guy, and company(2?3?) showed a definite interest and drive to come out here (sorry for not visiting while I was in Georgia...very busy...and no car).

Zip and lady friend seemed to be interested in coming out, but I'm not sure how committed youse guys were, if it's any draw, Mt. Rainier is quite close to us, and Lori was talking about scheduling a trip to a certain active volcano that exploded and spread ash and death for miles around a few years back. (as I know you guys are into that whole communing with nature thing, and I think it would also be nice for me to get out into the woods without having to worry about being shot at) Just let me know if you want to camp at a site, and we can reserve one.

Maletas (suitcases) also seemed interested, but was not willing to:
A. quit job
B. spend money
C. overspend vacation time or
D. All of the above

The old bastardface was too cool to leave Japan and his (Mexican?) girlfiend(sic accidental, but I'm leaving it anyway)

And I don't know what the fuck happened to Toby (not the cat) Did he get married? I hope not, because I haven't gotten my invitation yet.

At any rate, my offer still stands. Anybody that wants to come out is welcome to stay in my luxurious home, and utilize my fantastic chauffeur (me). I just need to know ahead of time, so I can plan. Also, if you have any food requests, I can get that stuff too.

Sorry I haven't written anything worthwhile lately; I'm still trying to get into the swing of things out here. Good times will resume...shortly

The month(?)in review

doomface — Sat, 08 Jul 2006 14:38:15 -0400

(Fore-word/warning)Okay, so despite the fact that I'm writing this on a Saturday, I'm going to try to pass this off as a quasi-Friday post. Even though I'm not going through the trouble of changing the post date.
As some of you may already know, I'm in the army.(don't ask me how many babies I've killed today, because the question is so old. And incidentally, I don't like killing babies, it's just much easier to fit them into the stew pot if they're not all squirming around.) As some of you may not already know, I spent last month learning how to fall out of a plane...again. For some reason, if you learn how to jump out of a plane, and then you don't do it for...say seven years, the army doesn't want you to do that sort of thing unless you learn how to do it again. It was pretty fun going through the training again, mostly because I didn't have to get made fun of for not knowing how to do it as much, but it led me to a realization about today's Army.

Have you ever wondered why your grandparents are always complaining about "how easy 'you kids' have it these days"? It always seems like they're complaining about how life isn't tough anymore, as though they wished there was more hardship in their daily life. "Kids these days ain't got no character." I recently gained a little insight into this perspective that has turned me into one of these old complainers. The army is going downhill. And I think the main reason is the whole quantity over quality mentality that we have adopted lately. What ever happened to the "old" army?

    I recently heard a rumor about the army changing its tattoo policies to allow people to have tattoos on their hands and neck. The previous policy was "no tattoos will be visible while wearing the "Class A" (Dress) uniform". I thought this was good; it allowed people to be freaks in private but still maintain a professional appearance when necessary. Apparently, the new target demographic is young people that think vampires are real and the only real reason to join the military is that "you can kill people and not go to jail".

    I remember the days when your duty uniform had to look good. Your boots had to be "highly shined" and your uniform had to be pressed and starched if you didn't want to be called a shitbag. Now, the army has moved to a new uniform that requires no starch, and to boots that do not need to be shined. While I think this is more practical, and easier for an average-below average soldier to maintain, it degrades the level of discipline in the services, and makes it more difficult to determine which people out there care about their job and appearance, and which people are out there because "it was either this or jail". (As a matter of fact, I kind of wish there were more cases of that scenario. It's a really motivating factor to know that if you don't behave yourself, that if you mess up even in the slightest, you could go back to jail.)

    I'm a big advocate for thinking for yourself, but in most of the situations that the military will put you in, there is very little room for questioning the decisions of your superiors. I remember as a young soldier thinking to myself on several occasions, "wow, this is probably the dumbest thing I've ever done." But I always did it, and never questioned why, and in the end, I always saw that there was some point to doing that particular task in that particular fashion. These last three weeks have opened my eyes to just how undisciplined the military in general has become. I have never in my military career heard the word "why?" so many times. For example, after issuing out some items, I had a box filled with excess items that I was returning to the proper place, when somebody threw trash in the box. I calmly told the soldier to "pick that trash back up and throw it in the trash can."
"Why?"
"Because this isn't a god damned trash-box NOW PICK UP YOUR FUCKING TRASH AND THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE CAN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE." Followed by, "DON'T JUST STAND THERE ALL SLACK-JAWED LIKE A RETARD, PICK UP YOUR TRASH."
Apparently I'm pretty loud when I yell, because at this point there were about 750 eyes staring at me and this kid who doesn't know what a trash can looks like. Now, I feel obligated to address the entire class in order to explain that there is a trash can by the stairs, and that "no, the team leaders are not there to pick up everyone's garbage". Later on I was reprimanded for berating the soldiers and was informed that we are in a "kinder, gentler army" and putting soldiers in stressful situations is frowned upon. I was also told that I can't call people "retards" either. At this point, I quickly replayed the days events in my head and confirmed to myself that I did not in fact call anyone a retard, I simply told him to stop being "retard-like". However, because I know how things are supposed to be in the military, and I understood that disputing the semantics in this situation would make things worse, I simply said, "understood", and went about my business.

I guess what I really don't understand is why this sort of thing is happening now, during a time of war. If anything, things should be getting tougher. If a soldier can't follow directions in a stressful situation at home, how is he going to react when he's being shot at on foreign soil? I'm not asking for an unthinking, unfeeling killing machine, I'm just asking for a little discipline, and a little bit of common sense to know when questions are appropriate.

I'm not sure how that turned into a rant, but I guess that counts for Wednesday now too. Now all I need is a ninja attack and a review and I'll be caught up for the week. Let's see if that happens.

Oh, as for the rest of this week, I also went down to Oregon this 4th, in order to go watch some fireworks and visit with some friends that I've never met before. Meeting new people was nice, the fireworks were...lacking. Also, I've been putting off cleaning out the garage and unpacking the house. That's why I'm up here writing right now, although it is kind of awkward typing on the floor.

That's it for the week/month/rant, now go throw your damn trash away.

Breakdancing Progress Report #4 Sabotage

doomface — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 23:06:25 -0400

I've been taking a break from everything these last couple weeks in order to reaqquaint myself with the concept of jumping out of a non-burning aircraft. So it seems natural to me to take a little break from the progression of dancing...breakstyle. Additionally, my toes still hurt from a handstand gone wrong that I did several months ago...I think falling to the ground from 1200 feet may have aggravated this problem. I'm not sure why I named this post "sabotage" but I think it may have something to do with how I seem to be sabotaging all of my attempts to do things that are productive. Or maybe I just have a thing for Scandinavian footwear.

Anyway, here's the non-progress report: As I said before, my toes are kind of messed up, so I haven't been able to do any sort of footwork maneuvers. In order to compensate for this, I've been trying to do a bit more with my upper body...as in strength training. Some of you may not realize how difficult it is to manipulate 200 lbs of fat-assery around when you have tiny little arms. So here, I'm going to share my secret plan of getting your weak little arms into shape without having to go to the gym or get weights (that cost money that I don't have). It's so secret, that I didn't even know about it myself until about 30 seconds ago (EST, 3 hours, 59 minutes and 30 seconds from now Pacific)

1. Do a lot of push-ups, like, say 40
2. Do a lot of crunches;                50
3. Handstand pushups:                 10
4. More push-ups:                        30
5. Oblique, or lateral crunches:     50 each side
6. Handstand push-ups:               10
7. Penultimate push-ups:              20
8. Crazy Ivans:                            50
9. Handstand push-ups:               10
10.Final Justice!!!(push-ups)        10
11.Crunches:                                50
12.Guess what                             10...and 10 more for good measure...you know to even things out.

Do this a few times a week, and you should be able to get pretty strong arms and a six-pack or two.
Now that I look at it, it seems a little insane...but it will definitely get your arms and abs in shape to be able to twist around and stuff and if you can't do it, you could always try doing less and working your way up. Or if you can do it easily, you can always go up from there...now I just have to go on a diet to get rid of all that extra fat in my "trouble areas" and figure out a way to even out my biceps without using weights

I'll have a large meat lovers' and some hot wings...oh could you also throw some ID in there?

doomface — Mon, 26 Jun 2006 19:25:00 -0400

Everybody already knows my opinion on "Inteligent Design" (if you don't it's because you're: A. not one of my friends. B. totally retarded. or C. absolutely illiterate.{and from what I've seen out there, all three seem to be related in some way...}).So I won't bore you with the lengthy diatribe that I had prepared following the tale I am about to recount.

So, no shit there I was...waiting in line at the Pizza Hut Express to get my weekend fat kid pills, when I heard someone talking the Big Bang...and god. I was a little confused at first, because one of those things has a basis in science, and the other is just made up, but I caught on when one of the "'Hut Philosophers" went into "his own 'personal' opinion" on evolution, and how Intelligent Design made much more sense. I guess he was educating his nerd friend how things really are.(omitted is the lengthy response, about how retarded he was and how god hates him, that I was going to give him, but didn't because my pizza was ready and I hate talking to people like that)

Anyway the point I guess I'm trying to make is this: Pizza Hut is not a forum for your retarded beliefs. (that's why I write things down on the computer)

Here's the secret bonus update on what's going on with me...which everyone is falling all over themselves to see!?!? (I didn't even post anything this month and I barely made it through half the month before I exceeded my stupid bandwideness...stop coming here and reading this already...there's nothing interesting to see.

1. I'll be getting back into posting regularly pretty soon, as I have internet at the home.

2. I do have a home, so those of you coming to PAX or to visit for other reasons will have a room to stay in...if not a bed. My wife seems convinced that some of you may have been putting your plans on hold and waiting to hear if I had a place for you to stay before committing to any of those plans...I'm not sure why she would think that.

3. I'm really not sure where I'm going with this comic idea, but I'm going to try to do it...eh...regularly(If I keep saying it, it's sure to happen right?), and I'm going to try to put a (serious) plot to it. I have a lot of ideas floating around, but I'm not sure I'll be able to express them appropriately, and convey the tone that I want to get across.

4. I'll be officially back home on the 1st of July...but since I did pay for this stupid upgrade, I guess I might as well use it to the max this week. We'll see how lazy I am.

P.S. If you actually do want to hear my ridiculous rant about "retarded design theory" just leave a comment, and I'll ignore it until I get around to writing about it.

genuflection: look it up plebe. *Also, new secret ninja attack #1,006,597,892

doomface — Sat, 03 Jun 2006 17:05:23 -0400

HAHA, I tricked you again... Now you can't trust me when I say this is the last post for a while. Now you have to look at it everyday, just in case there's something new there.

Anyway, I've done some serious, in-depth analysis of who is actually looking at my site, and I think I've figured it out; In order to increase my readership, I have to talk about the following things:

1. Punching people in the face. Apparently, the idea of a solid face punch to some jack ass-face's face in order to solve problems is appealing on some level. God knows I like the idea. (I gave him a good solid facepunch the other day for being stupid, and he helped me get a house in order to rectify the situation{problem solved by facepunch once again}) You may think "punching someone in the face wouldn't solve any of your problems", but in that line of thought, you would be totally wrong. Unless you substituted "wouldn't" with "will definitely" and "any" with "every single one"

2. Directly, or indirectly, abusing people who read this. This applies directly, or indirectly, to you, asshead. In case you were wondering how much better than you I am, read the title again. (If I know you, please disregard the preceding)

3. Apparently, anything involving how much god hates you and everyone you know, or how much jesus and I both hate religious fanatics and uh....yeah, he just told me that he hates you a lot more than I do. ( contrary to common belief, I guess "loving everyone" is not really his thing)

4. Ninjas?!?!? I kind of did this thing as a joke, but it seems really popular. Maybe I'll have some sort of regular serial on it. Maybe I'll write some crazy freaking ninja stories, where, like the ninja totally kills some people and stuff, and then blows himself up just to show you that he can still kill you even after his own physical death, you know, like a zombie ninja, only totally more awesome, and with less brain-eating and more you-killing than a conventional zombie, and he wouldn't turn you into a ninja-zombie, he would just kill you, and not really undead, because the ninja wouldn't really die after blowing himself to pieces, because he totally knows the ultimate secret ninja regeneration technique, so all blowing him up did was make more ninja copies of himself, that he'll go out and kill later, just to show them that he is the ultimate, even though he doesn't have to prove to anyone how awesome he is. You would totally die just from seeing that. How does that make you feel, asshead? (I'm really serious, I don't understand why this is so popular, but I'll keep doing it because I'm a fucking sellout, and I like writing like a retard once in a while. And by once in a while, I mean All the time)

Also, on a side note, I was talking to god the other day, and it turns out that he's just some computer program made by some dude, I was kind of pissed off when I found this one out, because god totally couldn't give me a straight answer to any of my questions, except that his programmer made him do it. (This was when the whole facepunching incident happened.) Sorry, he did in fact pretty clearly tell me what his stance was; "evolution...uh, yeah, I thought that one was kind of a no-brainer, I mean, why would you want to be single-celled organisms for the rest of eternity?"

I just can't help it. And I'm not really sorry either.

doomface — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 22:46:02 -0400

I've come to find that not attending college, or very much of high school for that matter, has caused me to be totally computer illiterate. Strangely, despite being computerarily challenged, I am the most skilled hacker in the world compared to the people I work with and see on a daily basis. Not using my own computer has brought to my attention the severity of some of these shortcomings.

Apparently, because I have an eight foot wide monitor for my computer, the automatic settings for my blog were formatted to fit my screen (or maybe I accidentally did that deliberately?{does that even make sense?}). Now that I've been looking at things from other peoples' computers, I've realized how much of a pain in the ass that is. Somebody should tell me how to fix this. Otherwise I won't. I also might not even if somebody does tell me. Actually, here's a list of things that people should tell me how to do using that stuff...with the "CSS" and the other thing with the not "CSS":

1. I know Mike showed Nad earlier how to make boxes (you know, for um excerpts, or in order to emphasize something, or something?). I ~~didn't look for it~~ couldn't find it , so somebody should tell me again. And put it somewhere where I can find it. Like on my kitchen table or something, I know you guys can do that nowadays, teleport things into people's houses using the "interweb".

2. I "figured out" how to put a picture in the header, but I can't figure out how to not have it totally obscured by the title bar.

3. I want to change the background color so that it is not uh...white? and also not some other color that is gay. I "know how to do it", and I can dick around with the colors myself, but I don't know where I should input it, or, if there's some additional crap that I have to do with it. At some point, I tried changing all the colors and all I succeeded in doing was changing things so that nothing was readable.

4. Make the stupid window small enough to fit on a normal monitor without scrolling around like a retard all the time.

5. Anything else that is worth doing to make things cool.

6. Also, I need to figure out how to use the holo-deck to make real beer and chicken nuggets.

Please, leave comments. This will probably be the actual last post for the month. I'll check things when I get back. And there better be some comments...or there will be consequences...Actually, I think the only consequences will be nothing changing, so if you know what's good for you(r eyes) you'll tell me what I want to know.

What the crap? People actually read this?

doomface — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:11:51 -0400

How did this happen? I wanted to check my blogtacularity this last week on somebody else's computer, and I discovered that I had exceded my transfer usage limit for the month. I was under the impression that this was something that only happens to other people. You may be thinking something like" I didn't think it could happen to someone like me", "Oh, that only happens to other people", or,"Normal people don't have to worry about that sort of thing". But it CAN happen to you, you could be subjected to being forced to upgrade your blog package, and be put out a precious 3-5 SoBes a month, but I can help you avoid it with these ~~ten~~ six easy tips that you can perform at home or at the office, or at the home office.(that is if you care about saving 5 dollars a month):

1. Don't write a blog. This will save you the trouble of having to pay money to have people listen to you. It will also help keep random people from trying to have e-mail sex with you. If nobody knows you exist, nobody will ever ask you for money. Or sex.

2. If you couldn't follow tip one, (you pervert) you could try to limit your bandwidth usage by posting extremely infrequently. Like once a month, or less. there are some easy ways to do this, like: writing everything that happens in a month down all at once in a 12 page dissertation with footnotes, and bibliography with current sources. Or, you could just pop in once a month to tell people that nothing has happened that month. Apparently, not using pictures and stuff helps too.

3. Don't hang out with this guy (at this point I would link to zipy's "jawn" but I try to be an asshole as little as possible...eh, who am I kidding? I am an asshole whenever it's convenient for me, or inconvenient for other people)

4. Don't tell people about your blog. Just start writing, put everything in the secure category, and hide it...forever. Then you won't have to worry about your stupid bandwidth usage. Another good way to go about this is to put a huge picture on the main page so that the first time someone looks at your blog, your bandwidth is exceded, and you don't have to worry about it until next month anyway.

5. Start using multiple pages. Write a word or sentence on each page, and have them link to each other. (I know this is absurd, but I was actually thinking this would be an assholishly cool thing to do with an actual blog idea)

6. Just don't write as much.

Last Post Evar!!11one

doomface — Thu, 25 May 2006 00:29:49 -0400

not really. This is probably the last post for this month, and most likely for the next monthas well, as my internet gets shut off...um either now or tomorrow. Gods be praised, I'm out of here on Friday morning. At 4:00 with a thirty hour drive to sunny Washington. I'm so glad I made it through this place without being compelled to kill somebody. I have a funny-ish rant though, and since I'm leaving, I thought I 'd get one last hit in.

On the 5 minute drive to work everyday, I drive past 3 Town and country convenience stores, 5 churches and two auto parts shops. There's also like 60 burrito and doughnut shops (not burrito shops and doughnut shops, burrito and doughnut shops)(because I live in a mexican police station, apparently). Naturally, the churches have signs out front spouting their messages, which is okay, because it's what they do. My beef is that Every other store I see on the way to work also has a message board with a religious message on it. I would have taken pictures, but, I don't care to take pictures of this place.

At any rate, I have to drive by a pizza hut every morning and be reminded that I should never, ever shake my baby. Maybe that's subliminal advertising, and the thought of not shaking babies is supposed to remind me of a chicken and bacon thin crust pizza with cheesesticks, hotwings, and a 2 liter of coke on the side. It didn't remind me of it before, but I guarantee the next time I see a "Don't shake your baby" sign, that's what I'll be thinking about.

If my car ever broke down, and I had to go to one of the repair shops here, they would tell me that my car breaking down was just god's way of telling me that in the end, I'm going to hell. "Hey steve, this is god, oh, looks like your car broke down, 'y'know, "stop drop and roll doesn't work in hell" What thecrap is that supposed to mean? and how does it apply to me? Are you insinuating that I'm going to hell? and that I'll try the stop drop and roll method for extinguishing flames? Do you know this for a fact? or are you just going on "good advice"? Has anybody ever tried it? Maybe that would solve a lot of the problems down there. I bet a lot of people could spare themselves the eternity of flaming torment in the burning pits of hell just by reminding people to Stop, Drop and Roll whenever they caught on fire. Yo know what, just fix my car, jesus doesn't care about my transmission problems any more than he cares about what I do on a daily basis.

I think the other auto parts store next to the transmission shop, the collision repair shop or whatever it is, had a sign, right next to the NAPA Auto Parts Sign that said something along the lines of "repent, backslider". Yes. Jesus smashed my window and stole my radio because I haven't been to church in 20 years. Maybe they're referring to maintenance backsliders, you know, the guy that goes 5,500 miles before getting an oil change. Those guys are definitely going to hell. Viscosity breakdown hell. That's exactly what I need, not only is the car broken, but now you're going to try and guilt me into going to church? Sorry, if the guy that runs the universe couldn't get me to do it, I'm pretty sure a greasy mechanic with three teeth and 14 fingers isn't going to get me into the pews any faster.

I also saw a sign at the church that really made me think: "Man's way leads to a hopeless end. God's way leads to endless hope." now, the first thing I thought was: if you take the "m" out of man and mix it up with the letters in "God's", you get Gonad's, and if you take the "m" from the man, and switch it with the "p" in hopeless, and put the "p" in front of "end" and take the "d" off of it, you get "Gonad's way leads to a homeless pen" and if you're really creative with the extra apostrophe and the "s", you could get "Gonad's way leads to a homeless pen's". The second thing I thought was, "endless hope" sounds likea flowery way of saying "anticipation with no payoff...ever". See, if I'm endlessly hoping, I'm obviously not getting what I want. Is that really the message the church is trying to convey?

It just blows my mind that everyone here is so blindly religious, I mean it's pretty obvious, if you look around, that if there is a god, he hates this place and everyone in it. Eh, screw it, I'm out of here in 29 hours.

Oh, this is what I was really going to post:
1. There will probably be no comic this week (see how long that lasted?)
2. There will probably be no significant posts for about the next month. (we'll see how my internet access situation is)
3. I'm probably going to be doing a significant amount of drawing in the next month, as I will be away from everyone and have a bit of free time on my hands. So, the next few actual comics should have a little more forethought and um, drawing involved in them.

Wait for it...

doomface — Mon, 22 May 2006 23:59:59 -0400

Here's a quick preliminary review(?) on a little game I picked up called "Magna Carta: Tears of Blood".
First things first: This is not a bad game. It's not a good game either. It's also not mediocre. It has so much potential as a game it's incredible. But it's shortcomings are insurmountable. Okay, it's a pretty bad game.
Here's the rundown:

1. The story is extremely engaging, so far. It started off a little slow, (I put the game down after playing for an hour and not seeing any plot) but I gained interest in it after I restarted it a couple of days ago, and despite the terrible mechanics of the game, I feel compelled to finish the story. It seems like the game has borrowed the plotline of every major RPG in the lat few years. There are two warring species that are not so different from each other. There's a mercenary that I'm sure will end up saving everything at some point. There's also a girl that has no memory of who she is, with powerrful magic, surrounded by shrouded murmurs that "she is the one". She seems to be getting kidnapped and amnesia-ized quite a bit, so I'm sure she will play a key role in the unfolding of this game. The character development has a lot of potential for solid, dynamic characters that legitimately change as the story unfolds. I'm really serious about this, the story is pretty awesome so far.

2. The characters are totally gay. There are two characters, so far, that look like men. I know this because they don't have shirts on. I have counted a total of 9 characters that are "supposed to be" guys. All of the obvious female characters have big boobs, which is a plus, but all of the male characters also have breasts and dress like women. All of them are really exquisitely drawn, but that doesn't preclude them from having transvestite tendencies. Here's a picture of three guys and a girl; the guy in white is the main character, and yes, those are his eh...hips.

3. There's a pretty neat interaction system, whereby you can gain or lose the trust of your party members. Unfortunately, each of your party members is polarly opposite of every other member (I don't know how this is possible, but every time you talk to one person, every other person pipes in with their opinion of what you just said). So every time you gain one person's trust, you lose the trust of everyone else. This pretty much gives you negative gain in the respect department the more you talk, so, just like in real life, it's better if you just mind your own business and don't talk to anyone.

4. If you like camera control, or looking in the direction that you are walking, this is not the game for you. There is no camera control whatsoever. and all of the maps have you running toward the screen for about 70% of your movements. It took me a while to get used to this, but once I resigned myself to the fact that every man, bird and stick of sentient plant life was going to rape me in the ass when I wandered upon them, I was okay. The funny thing is, there is actually a mode where you move slower and have a wider range of vision, so that you can see enemies before they see you. This is so that you can get a sort of "sneak attack" on your victims to kill them faster and get extra experience. It really is helpful, that is, if you can ever see enemies before they appear on screen and stab you in the face.

5. The combat system is pretty original; there's a rotating circle that tells you when to push certain buttons to get a move off. If you don't get all three of the button presses pretty close, the move fails, and you have to wait until the next turn, to get an attack, so if you're not absolutely focused on the fight, you might get a little frustrated. To add to this, for some reason, you can only control one of your party members at a time. You can switch between the characters in order to use their various abilities, but here's the real kicker: When you aren't controlling them they don't get in your way (I suppose that's a bonus) BECAUSE THEY DON'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING. They just stand there while the person you're controlling at the time does all the work. There is also a "chi system" that regulates how powerful certain characters are in certain environments, and supposedly later in the game, you'll be able to switch fighting styles in order to take advantage of the chi in the air. Unfortunately, if you aren't paying attention to what types of chi are prevalent, your characters may not be able to do any attacks. Your enemies do not use chi. Ever. I wanted to chop up the disk when I used a character with a certain type of chi affinity to fight a monster with the same type, and this rock beast beat the ass out of my earth/mountain chi using guy after the chi ran out and I couldn't attack anymore.

6. Graphically, it's not the best that the PS2 can put out, but it's still pretty good. It's well marbled with short,but relevant CG cutscenes.

7. The musical score is reminiscent of the basic Final Fantasy fare. I like it, but it's kind of cliched.

The bottom line is this: If this game came out as a miniseries, or as a better game, I would recommend it to everyone. The gay looking character problem could even be overlooked. However, the technical problems make it look like a novice company made a game and didn't have anybody test it out. Nobody at all. It saddens me to see this happen to such a potentially awesome game. Don't start this game lightly. You will want to see how the story ends, and I can't with good conscience subject anyone to the torture that is the game itself, just for the story. Oddly, I played the original Korean game "Magna Carta" and although I didn't understand the story, the technical aspects of the game were much more refined, and easier to comprehend. I don't know who dropped the ball, but it's out there somewhere rolling around and nobody picked it up.

I'm going to have to give this a 4 out of 10 despite the beautiful art and story. Because the things that make a game tolerably playable just aren't there.

May have unexpected side effects, such as: Devil-Pattern Baldness

doomface — Sun, 21 May 2006 13:02:19 -0400

Weekly Update May 19th, 2006

doomface — Fri, 19 May 2006 23:26:37 -0400

Here's my crappy week:
Last weekend was pretty good, in fact, I'd say it was about the best time that I could have while being imprisoned here. As I said, Lori went down to visit a friend, and I went out to dinner with some of my friends. Afterwards, we went out bowling. I think this is where I hurt my shoulder (DOOMBALL AWAY!!!) I spent most of the walk from the restaurant over to the bowling alley explaining how much I suck at bowling, and telling the guys not to make too much fun of me. (I don't know why I would ask people not to make fun of me, but it seemed like a good idea at the time) In case you were wondering, my lack of depth perception makes me pretty bad at any sport involving throwing, catching or rolling a ball at a target. At any rate, we got to the bowling alley and played two games. Despite al the pre-game talk, I actually won the first game and did comparatively well in the second. Some might attribute this to the fact that my chosen bowling name for the night was "SATANO". (It took about twelve minutes to actually type this in because the "A" button was not working right. The first try I came up with "STO", which made no sense, even to me.) The guys (and girl) I was playing with kept saying that I was stealing their "bowling soul". After bowling, we stood out in the parking lot for about an hour talking about things and waiting for some guy to call us to tell us whether we would be able to get into the locked up recreation area at the lake. For a while, we thought we were going to have to jump the fence Ninja style. It turned out that the guy actually had the combination to the gate lock, and we had no problem getting in. I being a total retard, neglected to bring swimming trunks to the lake. After about six beers though, I decided that my underpanties would suffice. The manager came by at some point during the night and said that if we didn't shut the hell up, he was going to call the cops. I think that was at about 2. Shortly after that, everyone kind of passed out because we were trying to be quiet. Quiet like mice. Drunken mice are not really quiet. Despite going to sleep at a ridiculously late hour, and sleeping on a picnic table, I woke up at sunrise pretty refreshed.

On Sunday, I posted the worst comic ever. I thought it was pretty funny, and at some point, I may actually re-draw it so that it looks better and actually makes sense, but at this juncture, I really don't care to. (Maybe when my artistic ability improves)

The rest of the week was pretty crappy, as the course I'm in right now is kind of winding down. We were doing simulations of my actual job.(which apparently, entails me sitting around for several hours talking about funny stuff that has happened to me and listening to other peoples' stories) At the end of these simulations, we were judged based on how well we performed. I received an F- for "Freaking Terrible..minus", I think because I didn't really put any effort into the job. (It was a pretty crappy scenario, and the instructions were exceptionally vague.) I think the only reason I didn't actually fail was the fact that I had a pretty solid grasp on what was actually happening at the end of the mission.

The only real highlights for the week were going down to the pool in our apartment complex with Lori and Riley and splashing around. He really loves being in the pool except, earlier this week, acording to my wife, he swallowed some water and threw up in the pool. I like being in the pool as well, but because my shoulder hurts so much and the eh vomit in the pool, I've kind of got mixed feelings about swimming.

Good news is that I'm outta here next Friday. There might be an interruption in service coming up in the next few weeks, but I'm definitely going to try to keep on track with the blah-blah-blogging.

Breakdancing Progress Report #3: Brokedancing

doomface — Thu, 18 May 2006 23:25:57 -0400

Sorry, not much to report here; at some point during this week, I hurt my shoulder, (I stilll haven't figured out when or how) and have been unable to support my weight with my pathetic stick arms. I found this out the hard way on Monday morning while trying to do a handstand. I got myself all the way up using the magic of momentum, and then when my weight came back down on my hands, my shoulder collapsed, and I did a faceplant on the ground. I had about a second between when I heard the sound of my shoulder popping and when my eyeball made contact with the mat to think to myself, "my face, my beautiful face!" Unfortunately for all of you though, I suffered no serious injury to my doomy face. Although my shoulder does still hurt, and I don't know why (It's been popping and crackling every time I rotate my shoulder since then).
Also, last week, I crushed the three middle toes on my left foot, coincidentally also while trying to do a handstand. (I kicked the table while coming down and stubbed them all the way up into my groin)
Additionally, while playing basketball a couple weeks ago,(don't ask how I got tricked into that one) somebody stepped on my foot and now my pinkie toenail is all black and about to fall off. But that doesn't really hurt, (happens all the time)so I guess I'm just complaining.

Why I'm so lazy: an in-depth study on how awesome I am

doomface — Wed, 17 May 2006 22:07:50 -0400

Someone recently asked me, "Why are you so freakin' lazy?" to which my response was "y'know, I've never really thought about it". In fact, my entire life, people have been asking me why I don't really live up to my potential. Teachers were always saying, "you know, if you applied yourself even a little bit, you could easily be the smartest person in the world. Ever." I guess what they were all trying to say was "you are the most awesum person evar and we appreicate that you have toned down your awesomeness so that the rest of us idiots can have a fighting chance." Or they were telling me to stop being a jackass, I'm not sure because I have no grasp on the concept of sarcasm. None at all.
Today, I'm going to try to examine the underlying reasons for my lack of drive. (not to say that I will actually resolve this issue, since I'm just kind of shooting from the hip right now)

Let's look at a few of the symptoms:
1. I always put things off until the last minute
2. If I don't absolutely have to do a step in order to complete something, I don't do it.
3. I think there should be three things here, but I can't think of any more right now.
4. Oh yeah, apparently, I have trouble paying attention to things for long periods of time.
5. I guess I also have problems with finishing things that I start.

Step B: Examination
1. Why do I always put things off? Probably because I don't really care, also, it probably has something to do with not having too tough a time adapting to things and getting them done in a short amount of time. For example, you all saw that powerpoint slide show that I did. It may have looked like a one-armed monkey with a lazy eye did it, but it was good enough to get a passing grade. And good enough is good enough.
2. Why don't I do all the steps? Again, probably because I don't really care. I also seem to be able to understand the overall concept and direction of something without actually seeing each individual part. A few extra pieces never hurt anyone. Unless those extra parts were shot through a fan into somebody's face. Then that might hurt someone. But what do I care?
3. and 4. and 5. I think I have ADD, and since everyone seems to be in to the self-diagnosis of ADD, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and um, yeah. What?

Step 4: Profits$$

So I guess the final analysis of my lazitude is that A. I just don't care enough. and B. I'm too awesome. Maybe too awesome to care, maybe that's my problem. Yeah, that's what I'm going to go with; too awesome to care. So, if you see me on the street and you think I haven't done everything I was supposed to do that day, you're probably right, but you know what?

Kingdom Hearts II

doomface — Mon, 15 May 2006 21:57:24 -0400

Apparently, I can't put out an actual video game review, but i guess it's almost like a movie or ten anyway.
Here's the review of Kingdom Hearts 2

I'm kind of torn on how to review this particular installment, for a number of reasons:

1. The Gummiship game was greatly improved from the first game. It was so ridiculously good, I'd say that the gummi portion of the game was actually better than some of the actual game levels. (I'm not sure if that's a plus or minus for the game) My first time through (on easy) I think I spent half of my game time designing crazy gummiships and trying to get all the items. Unfortunately, this undertaking has nothing to do with the fabled "Jiminy Journal Collection", so my hours of labor and gallons of sweat and tears were for naught.

2. The Jiminy Journal. This is disgusting. Absolutely horrible. I feel sorry for anyone that just wanted to cruise through the game on normal difficulty and see the secret ending. However, if you are a person that wants to see every single tiny nuance of the game, the Journal is a good way to keep track of everything. I am one of those people. I don't know why I started it on easy to begin with anyway. These challenges range from pathetically easy (deliver mail) to "cut your face open" frustrating (beat Sephiroth, or the semifinal level of the Hades Paradox Cup). On several occasions, I wanted to find Jiminy and cut off his noisy little cricket legs.

3. Skateboarding? This would be great as a mini-game if you could do more than 6 moves. Although, I may be speaking too soon, as I haven't completed any of the "SB challenges" yet. It seems like more of an afterthought to try and lure in those generation "Z?" kids who think skateboarding and chopping things up with swords is cool.

4. If you haven't seen any Disney movies lately, and don't want to pay to rent them, this is the game for you. I about killed myself after sitting through every single cutscene for "Port Royal" and realizing that I had just been tricked into watching "Pirates of the Caribbean". Again. Thankfully, I realized that this was the case and skipped all of the cut scenes in "Atlantia", as seeing even a summarized version of the little mermaid would have cause me to cut my eyes out. Luckily, all the little mermaid level consisted of was doing a bunch of stupid dances. Even more thankfully, you just have to start each dance a second time (and then quit) in order to fulfill slavemaster Jiminy's demands. You would think that the masterminds at Buena Vista would have been able to take five minutes to think of a plot that wasn't already done in a movie. Refreshingly, the base worlds with the Final Fantasy characters were very original, despite the "Advent Children" spin on all the FFVII characters. (Personally, I was looking forward to seeing Cloud in the costume he had in the original "Hearts"

5. The "reaction command" was a pretty innovative way of spicing up the standard "hit 'x' until everything is dead" approach to combat. This way, I got to punch 'triangle' every once in a while, or face the consequences of being smashed by a hundred thousand laser beams. A lot of these reaction attacks were primarily for show, but some of them genuinely did huge amounts of damage, or prevented a critical hit (as with fighting Sephiroth)while looking cool.

Ultimately, I had a really fun time playing this game. Unfortunately, because I'm the worst video game player ever, I decided to start this one out on the easy level. I spent 70 hours going through the game before I realized that regardless of how much I completed, on Easy mode, I wouldn't see the secret ending. I ended up trying it out on "Proud mode", which, aside from a few bosses that were already hard on the easy mode being amplified to the level of ridiculously vicious anal swashbuckler on Proud, was not noticeably more difficult than the easy mode. To be honest, I was looking for a little bit more of a challenge, but in the end, I think the balance was pretty good.

Overall, I give the game an 8 out of 10. Great graphics for the PS2 and an awesome storyline with a predictable plot twist at the end, and another plot twist that you might not see coming. If you have the time, it's definitely worth checking out

Weekly Update May 12, 2006*

doomface — Fri, 12 May 2006 18:28:15 -0400

Here's the scoop:

Weekend: I was really tired this weekend, so I kind of skipped the Saturday and Sunday post. I'm really not sure how much longer I can keep this up.

Monday: Uh...hm. Oh yeah, I ..um ate some stuff, and then wrote "a three to five page paper on the technical and communications aspects of insert third world nation name here and how thos easpects may affect military operations in the target area. I decided to write about tv, radio, phones and the internet. Unfortunately, the country that was assigned to me had two radio stations. TWO. Luckily, I had just read this article and was well prepared to write my three to five page paper. Oh, I also made a slide show which took five minutes.

Tuesday: I made the presentation of the paper and slide show today, in the light of day, the slideshow looked about 1/4 step above retarded kid level. I think this is mainly due to two one things: One: I did it in five minutes. Two: One: I don't care. (I guess number one is really just a symptom of number two) here's an example

I passed, and apparently did really well on the paper. Although, this means I have to edit other peoples' papers because they don't rite so gud.

Wednesday: More of those briefings I talked about last week, except this time I didn't read any of them.

Thursday: I don't know what I did today, aside from sprain my toe and injure my shoulder trying to do a handstand too close to a table. Apparently, the only time I really try any breakdancing style moves is on days when I decide to write about them.

Friday: This morning we (my class) went out to the dam to run. I guess it used to be a reservoir, but now, there're houses and farms and stuff in it. Apparently, it doesn't rain enough to warrant a reservoir, and all the water is pumped in from god knows where anyway. Anyway, we ran about 3.5 miles...and then ran up and down the stairs. Apparently, people will do anything to get out of going to work, as the idea behind running up and down the stairs was "if we do this, we'll get to go to work later than usual"

Overall, it was a pretty boring week, Lori went down to visit a friend tonight, and I'm going out to dinner with some friends from Korea tonight. There might be a supplemental later on.

On a side note, this week, I found out that that fat guy that walked across America finished in New York, and according to my wife, who revels in any disparaging remarks about our current residence, he said that the only place he really didn't like was Texas because it's so desolate and empty for miles. Seriously, I don't know why anyone would choose to live here. It seriously sucks huge donkey balls. I've gotten to the point where I actually get pissed off every time I even write the word "texas", because this flash of everything that makes me angry flashes through my head. Apparently, everything I hate either comes from, or ends up here.

That's the week...send me ideas for something random, and myabe, I'll randomly choose a lucky winner to write about. At random. So not really choose, so much as just close my eyes, hit "stumble!" and go from there.

*now with less scrolling

Breakdancing progress report #2: A redoubling of efforts

doomface — Thu, 11 May 2006 22:14:30 -0400

During this exploration of the limits of my self, I've come to the conclusion that I am not strong enough. If I had to put it in terms of video games, I'm still at the point where I'm having trouble beating the giant guy with the axe in "Ninja Gaiden" (the original). So I guess I have to really, seriously build up my strength and skill. I'm currently doing a moderate workout monday through friday (either a 3-4 mile run or lifitng) but apparently, I "require more vespene gas". I told Lori that I was going to go to the gym tonight, but now that I'm sitting here at the computer, I'm not so sure. At any rate I definitely need to be doing a more comprehensive workout. Maybe I should go out and start punching people in the face. In light of this, I've actually started eating healthier (and by healthier, I of course mean less) and I'm seriously considering working out more.

Apparently, this whole breakdancing thing is turning into a get me into shape campaign. Lori keeps telling me I'm going to end up as a yoga instructor instead of a world-class breakdancing champion...but I disagree. I think the odds are more likely that I will become a fat...something...I can't even think of a good thing to become. Man, I'm so hungry. Maybe I'll just go eat something and not go to the gym... so much for the redoubling.

At least I'm sort of sticking to the schedule. I promise there'll be some form of a comic up on sunday, whether it be stick figures or worse, there'll be something. It'll even have a story... or at least a punchline.

you could buy a magnet...or you could just send me money

doomface — Wed, 10 May 2006 20:30:41 -0400

I want to punch whoever though this up right in the face.

Maybe some of you guys remember back in the early 90's when we started the war in Iraq (that we still haven't finished). During that time, it seemed there was(and this is just my own personal recollection) a burst in popularity of ribbons. There were red ones, pink ones, and specifically yellow ones. The idea behind this was to express support for various causes..AIDS, breast cancer, gay rights, regular cancer and in the case of the yellow ones, the troops deployed overseas. You could buy colored ribbon just about anywhere, but a lot of these organizations had fund raisers and sold ribbon to people who were willing to shell out some spare change in order to actually support them.

Lately, there has been a resurgence of this sort of support mentality, specifically with the yellow ribbon shaped"support our troops" magnets. Maybe I'm a little more sensitive to this because I am one of those "troops", or maybe I just see a lot of them because I'm currently in the giant infected colon of the United States that calls itself Texas and in my already irritated state, I just get more pissed off.

Here's a couple of reasons why the people who buy these should be repeatedly punched in the face:

1. I understand people want to express their support for various causes. But why not just get a normal bumper sticker? Why does it have to be shaped like a ribbon? Obviously, you don't care about the symbolism of the ribbon, otherwise you would have gotten a real fucking ribbon. The magnet says to me, "Hey, I just wanted you all to know that I spent some money to look like I care, *and* I'm hip to the secret code".

2. I have a car. It has a Department of Defense Sticker on it (because it has to). Obviously, I'm in the military. Why is it that every time some jackass cuts me off or flips me the bird, (for not breaking the law in order to accomodate their inability to drive like a sober person) it's somebody with one of those god-damned magnets? Where's your support for another human being?

3. If you really want to support our troops, how about you take that $5.00 plus shipping and handling, and send it to someone IN THE MILITARY. I've always been one of those people that says "actions are louder than words"(I've actually never said this out loud, but I still believe it) and honestly, I could give a rat's ass that you say you support our troops. The fact of the matter is, if you bought this magnet at a store, or on the "internetwork", you really aren't supporting anyone except the people that made the magnet. I've been looking around for it, and I've come to the pretty firm conclusion that the companies that make these magnets don't actually support troops. (if you click on that link you'll see that the military is not on the list of people that they support) In fact, I'm pretty sure that the only time that troops see any money in the sale of these things is if they buy them in bulk and then sell them on the street like drugs. Sure, they do support some organizations, with "10% of profits depending on sales". (So, after I've made my sales for the month, replenished the supply that I sold, paid all my employees, paid the cost of the equipment I'm using to produce these things and all the maintenace fees for running my operation, I'm going to take 10% of what's left of that, and I'm going to donate it to an organization that is "not troops". But only if we made "enough" this month)

Bottom line: If you really want to help support our troops, box up some stuff and send it to them, or you can go to a USO station and make a donation. If you really want to go out on a limb, you can just send me some money. Actually, that's the best idea, send me some money, and I promise, *if it's enough money, to send you an authentic thank you note magnet that you can put on your car (it will be shaped like ..get this... a piece of paper...you know, like a note) and when someone asks you where you got it, you can say that you actually *did support a troop('s drinking habit) and then you can punch them in the face for having a yellow ribbon magnet on their car.

*-Face your doom...face, now with more asterisks!

Ninja Attack!!!

doomface — Tue, 09 May 2006 22:42:06 -0400

How is it that ninjas and unicorns are always pigeonholed into the same category? I have a feeling that it has something to do with the fact that both have an affinity for impaling mimes.
Like, it reminds me of this one time, you know, when there was like a ninja...except..I did'nt know he was a ninja, until he saw this mime and totally chopped his head off. With his hand.
OK, here's the story: This mime was all like..."hey, I'm a mime" except he wasn't saying that, he was, you know, like acting it out... and then he was like, " oh no, I'm trapped inside this glass box and I have to climb up this invisible rope to get out, only it's not really attached to anything, so every time I pull on it, it just kind of falls down a little, so maybe if I pound on the wall it will break, but it's invisible...and I can't break it...man how am I gonna get out of this one?" and then...this guy...that was a ninja, but I didn't know he was a ninja because he was just wearing a suit and a tie, teleported into the invisible box and hit the guy on his neck, and then the stupid mimes head fell right off and rolled around on the floor until it hit the wall of the invisible box. Then he punched his way out of the box and started walking down the street like nothing. I didn't stick around because I didn't want to get chopped in the head, but I heard that later on, the mimes body exploded from a delayed reaction of the "ninja hand chop of instantaneous decapitation followed by delayed reaction explosion" technique...I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but you know, that mime probably had it coming to him, what with being a mime and all...god I hate mimes...unless its those mimes that are like robots...I guess those guys are okay.

Weekly Update May 05, 2006

doomface — Fri, 05 May 2006 19:37:16 -0400

Admittedly, I should have done this last night, but I was pretty tired, and got caught up watching Wolf Creek and playing Halo. (Maybe I'll just post it with yesterday's date) Anyway, here's the rundown of the last week: Sunday was pretty lazy, all I really did was play Kingdom Hearts 2 until my eyes fell out. On Mondy, I put my eyes back in and went to school. (Right now I am in the Basic Non-Comissioned Officers Course or BNCOC( Somehow, this is pronounced "B-Nock" instead of "beancock" don't ask me why))Pretty much every day this week, I went in and read powerpoint slideshows that had ridiculous amounts of acronyms and technical speak that made no sense without an explanation, and also had no notes to explain. On Monday, every single time I came across something I didn't understand, I asked the instructor. By the end of the morning, I realized he was wither just making stuff up, or really had no idea what any of them were, since he just pulled them from someone else's pool of resources. (this is a great thing about the army; if you're lazy and don't want to do something, if you look hard enough, you'll find that somebody that wasn't lazy went out and did it already and wrote up an in-depth report about it) So, in the afternoon, I decided to just make up my own words to fill in the letters.( a good one was OSAS-the 'Ornery Society of Anal Sappers; somehow, these guys have something to do with laying mines...) I think the rest of the class thought I had snapped when I just started laughing every 5 minutes. On Tuesday, I had an epiphany...'If the instructor doesn't know what any of thisstuff is, he can't really test us on it.' I think I was a little late jumping on the bandwagon here, since apparently, everyone else was just clicking through the slides real fast in order to get done with it, and then taking a half hour break whileI finished up. (I'm such an idiot). On Wednesday, I discovered that some of the slideshows were not locked...So I went in and started changing all the pictures .. flipping tanks over, and having submarines falling out of planes on one. I wish I could take stuff home, I definitely would have put up a picture of "tank, boat and airplane Voltron with super cutting submarine sword of dooooom". I got in trouble for that because apparently, editing the slide shows didn't just change it on my computer. It changed the original...on the network drive. On thursday, I actually tried to understand some of the slides. This was a bad day to do that though...All of the slideshows on thursday were done by a PIESLRK (Powerpoint Illiterate English as Second Language Retarded Kid) There was one sentence that went on for THREE SLIDES. No bullets...no graphics...just a solid blue background and words... here's an excerpt "...if we are to all the time stopping and checked their cargos for, for example, illegal trafficking of illicit narcotics, and to subjecting the above said cargos even if not being of the initial stopping reason, to seizing and holding for extend periods..." It just goes on...and on.
I almost threw up on my desk from laughing so hard when I found a slide all about "limber holes". I guess they have something to do with the navy. That was my week in class.
On Friday, we got a bit of a break from class, and got to do the "leaders reaction course". This is a misnomer, as it does not test your ability to react as a leader. It is designed to make everyone look stupid when they fall off a plank or a stump, or a wall. The way some people were falling off things, you'd think I was an acrobat, or an olympic grade gymnast. It's also a test to see how many people can climb up or jump on my back while trying to get over an obstacle. I may have pictures or video next week...then again, I may not. In the afternoon, we had a picnic. We went out to the lake, which while not the nastiest body of water I have ever seen, was pretty close. There was about 1/2 inch visibility below the surface. The name of the lake here is Nasworthey...I think it's kind of funny and sadly appropriate that one of the anagrams is "nasty whore". While we were there, I got super-dehydrated from the activity in the morning (apparently it was 95-ish), almost passed out and got fire ant bites on the bottoms of my feet (they're everywhere). Yet another reason to hate this place.
On an up-note, Riley had fun running around and playing and I put way too much sunblock on his head...I guess my idea was that I should be able to physically block out all of the sunlight that could reach his little bald head.

Breakdancig progress report #1: baka baka bakasama...er bakasana

doomface — Thu, 04 May 2006 19:19:32 -0400

I'm going to pretend that I just started doing this, because for the last month or so, I've been not doing anything even remotely related to the advancement of my breakdancing/ninja-ing skills. This week,(and by "this week", I mean yesterday, I was looking up and practicing yoga positions in order to improve my balance and strength. Apparently, the easiest one to do is this one...I think it's an indian word...not like native american indian, but indian from india indian. (I say this only because there was a picture of an elephant at the bottom of the page...an elephant with four arms...and two legs...and a dot on its forehead. The page itself is just about the gayest thing I've ever seen, but it's got some relatively good explanations on how to do some stuff that I want to learn how to do. (Does that make me gay?)

Anyway, I've been attempting the "easiest" arm balance technique, the bakasana. Right now, I can balance myself for about 30 seconds before I fall and crush my doomy-face. I've been doing this at home because if I try it at the gym, I'm afraid I'll get ringworm on my face, and cool as it may seem to have a facial parasite, it's not something I want to deal with at this point.

This is becoming a huge ordeal already. I just wanted to learn some ninja skills...and some breakdancing on the side skills. Now I have to learn yoga? What the crap is that?!?

Next week, if I've gained any strength or balance, I'll see if I can do some of the variations on this...like one leg out...or something...I'll also try to wear spandex in order to make this more funny, or vomit inducing...I really can't tell the difference between the two.

The New(er) Face of Doom

doomface — Wed, 03 May 2006 18:45:31 -0400

I'm thinking about taking on one of the most daunting undetakings of my life...I'm thinking about regularly(like every day) posting something. In order to mix it up, and also to keep myself on it, I've kind of decided to run a schedule that looks like this:
SUNDAY----------Comic...we'll see about this, hopefully it'll make me draw more
MONDAY---------Review...something, this might make me read, or do other things more
TUESDAY---------NINJAS...something about ninjas to break all the seriousness of the previous day? and also because ninjas are totally awesome.
WEDNESDAY-----Rant...Because that's what I do best on Wednesdays
THURSDAY-------Breakdancing update...that way, I have to do it...
FRIDAY------------Week in Review...an insight into my daily life...because apparently I don't do enough in a day to write about it on its own
SATURDAY--------Something Random...because im lazy...(so lazy that I didn't capitalize or put an apostrophe in the first instance of "I'm" on this line, but not so lazy that I won't write a drawn out explanation of exactly how lazy I really am)
Tell me what you think...I'll probably start next week with the ...comic...maybe. We'll see. And you'll see. Exactly how bad a writer and artist I really am.